As I was dashing off last night’s post, I decided that today the dragons’ den finally needed addressing. The title ‘D-Day’ popped into my head and I hallucinated that I might write a quick post about making my dragon’s den of a living room dragon-free – temporarily, at least.
I love the universe. I really do. It heard D-Day and made other plans.
First of all, I had some big realizations about money. Good, juicy stuff. I might write about that another day.
Then the mail came. With a letter from my university. I have been expelled for non-payment of fees. Despite the fact that I withdrew for the year. It’s no good trying to write clever academic work whilst suffering from sleep deprivation and baby brain. But apparently my paperwork got lost.
The thing is, I have been wanting to study and to write for a very long time. So I got one part of the dream by getting accepted into a fabulous university and doing really well. But now the writing bit is coming to the forefront. Which coincidentally is more aligned with being a new mum. And I’ve been getting the feeling for quite some time that in order to pursue one, I need to let the other go.
Now I know not all decisions in life have to be one or the other, but this one seems to be. For now, anyway. In any case, I am not sure how I would be a great mum, and write, and finish my degree all at the same time. But I feel like a failure walking away from my degree without finishing.
It’s become part of my identity. I’m a student in the way other people are account directors, or investment bankers. So now I have to say I’m a writer. And mean it. And it kinda scares me. It doesn’t have the same certainty… yet.
But I know I gotta let something go in order for the writing thing to take off. I gotta make a bold statement. And the universe hit me over the head with one today (although I will set the record straight about it all).
There’s a saying that if you leap, something will appear. The first thing that came to me was a rope. But leaping and a rope are not a good combination. So scratch that.
It’s actually leap and the net will appear. It’s the net, Nette… the net, not the rope!
Now I know some of you might think that none of this is a big deal. But it is a big deal to me. And I can’t judge myself by somebody else’s standards. So what I’m hanging on to is the image of the leap. And I’m writing about it so I can’t chicken out and take it all back. I’ve already done that about 100 times.
And if nothing else, I gotta do it for Lilly. To teach her that to go after your big dream, you gotta be brave enough to leave your comfort zone. And take that leap.
Despite what the gremlins say.